167 Red Flags or Examples of Parental Alienation

1)Impeding with visitation, despite orders

2)Denigrating the other parent in front of anyone who will listen, including the children, as well as calling the TP or step-parent derogatory names in front of the child.

3)Filing allegations of abuse while constantly dragging the ex into court for child support or alimony.  (Note: A truly abused individual wants to have nothing to do with the abuser, making face-to-face confrontation out of the question.)

4)Stopping any contact with the children and the ex’s extended family or friends who disagree with them

5)Believing that they are above the law, and that all orders/laws were made for everyone else but them.

6)Impeding Communication with the children, including blocking access to school records and meetings and events.

7)Grilling the children about their visit, asking the children to spy or collect evidence.

8)Refusing visitation because the ex spouse has been unable to afford the child support or not made a payment.

9)Statements of constant hatred and vengeance about the ex-spouse

10)Refusal to disclose their home address

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Parental Alienation does more harm than many realize

Parental alienation is becoming recognized around the US and Canada for the damaging act it is. As more and more couples are divorcing, and co-parenting, this important subject is coming to light. Here are some facts for those wanting to learn more.

Parental Alienation: Four Facts-Number One:

Parental alienation is “brainwashing” – According to Fact.on.ca, parental alienation is when one parent (typically the one with primary custody) makes an attempt to sever the bond between children of a divorced couple, and the target parent. Over the years, as the concept of joint custody has become popular, so has the incidence of cases of parental alienation.

Parental Alienation: Four Facts-Number Two:

Parental alienation is child abuse. – According to Dr Glenn F. Cartwright, children desire, by nature, to love both parents. The alienating procreator, in their attempts to either “eliminate” the target progenitor, or to recruit the children onto their “side,” cause unnecessary pain and confusion to the subject child. Regardless of whether the alienating parent is the mother or father, and regardless of which parent “wins,” it’s always the child who loses.

Parental Alienation: Four Facts-Number Three:

Parental alienation is beginning to be recognized as damaging by the psychiatric community. – At the website Stopparentalalienation.org, new divorcees can learn about the damaging effects of an alienating parent on children from a host of legitimate certified experts on the subject of child psychology. Experts are even beginning to recognize patterns that, many experts believe, may be an expression of a condition now known as Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

PAS is identified by such symptoms as A) an irrational and unjustified hatred of the target parent; B) otherwise normal child behavior until the target parent is mentioned; and C) claims against the target which, are based on memories preceding the birth of the child. When actual abuse or neglect is present in the case history, a determination of PAS is not applied.

What Causes Parent Alienation

What causes a parent to want to damage the relationship of their own child with the other parent, at their own child’s expense? Intentions differ from one parent to the next, but psychologists have suggested the following as potential motivators:

An alienating parent may have unresolved anger toward the other parent for perceived wrongs during the relationship, and may be unable to separate those issues from parenting issues.

An alienating parent may have unresolved issues from their childhood, particularly in how they related to their own parents, which he or she projects onto the other parent (whether or not it is factually accurate).

An alienating parent may have a personality disorder, such as narcissism or paranoia, which makes him or her unable to empathize with the child’s feelings or see the way their behavior is harming the child. Such personality disorders may also make the alienating parent more likely to be jealous of the other parent’s adjustment to the breakup, and cause the alienating parent to have extreme rage toward the other parent.

An alienating parent may be so insecure as to his or her own parenting skills that he or she projects those concerns onto the other parent, regardless of reality.

An alienating parent may be so wrapped up in their child’s life that he or she has no separate identity, and sees the child’s relationship with the other parent as a threat.

Sometimes new spouses or grandparents push the alienating parent into inappropriate behavior for their own inappropriate reasons, and the alienating parent isn’t strong enough to resist them.

4 Facts About Parental Alienation

I wanted to share this with you all.

Wendy Archer, officer and North Texas chapter manager of Parental Alienation Awareness Organization USA (PAAO USA), a national nonprofit, shares the following insights about parental alienation.
 
1. Many experts call parental alienation “the worst form of child abuse.”
 
2. Alienated children and young adults often struggle with severe depression and thoughts of suicide. Sadly, many alienated children attempt suicide because of the unbearable pain and heartbreak they suffer.
 
3. Children understand that they are half of each parent. To make a child hate the other parent is to make a child feel that half of him is not worthy of love.
 
4. Alienating parents will often claim emphatically that a child or young adult “doesn’t want a relationship with the other parent,” but formerly alienated children have confirmed that this is not true.

 

To read more you can visit http://www.dfwchild.com/North-Texas/showarticle.asp?artid=1306

Pathological Liar – Definition

Here is an interesting read about pathological liars. I found it on http://depressiond.com/pathological-liar/

1.Pathological Liar – Definition

Pathological liar refers to a liar that is compulsive or impulsive, lies on a regular basis and is unable to control their lying despite of foreseeing inevitable negative consequences or ultimate disclosure of the lie. Generally lies told by a pathological liar have self-defeating quality to them and don’t serve the long term material needs of the person. Therefore pathological lying is lying that is caused by a pathology, occurs on a regular basis, is compulsive or impulsive & uncontrolled, and has self-defeating, self-trapping quality to it.

Lying or self-deception is a part of everyday human interactions. In many cases lying can be beneficial for those who lie and those who are being lied to. Most of this type of lying with positive consequences occurs in a controlled way, thoughtfully, with careful weighting of beneficial consequences. Unlike these, the lies told by a pathological liar are uncontrolled and are likely to have damaging consequences.

Pathological lying covers a wide range of lying behavior, from pseudologia fantastica to habitual lying. Lying is a commonly found clinical component with people who suffer from impulse control disorders such as gambling, compulsive shopping, substance abuse, kleptomania etc. Pathological lying is generally caused by a combination of factors, which may include genetic components, dysfunctional or insecure childhood, dyslexia or other type of cerebral dysfunction. Such conditions may host environment that is likely to emerge chronic or pathological lying as an adaptive defense mechanism. Dysfunctional family, parental overprotection, sibling rivalry, mental retardation are among many causes of pathological lying.

2.

Low Self-Esteem And Pathological Lying

Low self-esteem is a commonly found feature in pathological liars. The lie maybe an attempt to feel good about themselves, generally for a short period of time, similar to the effect of drugs & alcohol. The same lie or deceit repeated over and over may create a myth of personal well-being or success or displacement of faults of own failures on others, thus creating an imaginary fantasy protection bubble, which may reinforce self-esteem. Pathological liars repeatedly use deceit as an ego defense mechanism, which is primarily caused by the lack of ability to cope with everyday problems in more mature ways (Selling 1942).

3.

Pathological Liar – Causes

Causes of development of pathological lying can be, but are not limited to, one or more of the factors mentioned below:

  • A dysfunctional family;
  • Sexual or physical abuse in childhood;
  • Neuropsychological abnormalities; such as borderline mental retardation, learning disabilities etc.
  • Impulse control disorders; such as kleptomania, pathological gambling, compulsive shopping.
  • Accommodating or suggestible personality traits;
  • Personality disorders such as Sociopathic, Narcissistic, Borderline, Histrionic and more;
  • Substance abuse or substance abuse in family;

4.

Pathological Liar – Types

4.1

Daydreaming Pathological Liar – Pseudologia Fantastica

Some of the more extreme forms of pathological lying is Pseudologia Fantastica. This is a matrix of facts & fiction, mixed together in a way that makes the reality and fantasy almost indistinguishable. The pseudologue type pathological liar makes up stories that seem possible on the surface, but over time things start falling apart. Pseudologues have dynamic approach to their lies, they are likely to change the story if confronted or faced with disbelief, they have excessive anxiety of being caught and they desperately try to modify their story to something that would seem plausible to create or preserve a sense of self that is something they wish they were or at least something better than they fear others would find out they are. The excessive anxiety is driven by unusually low self-esteem, the person tries to hide reality by creating a fake reality, and once the story has enduring quality to it, he/she is likely to repeat it and if repeated enough times he/she might start believing in it as well. This reality escape can be triggered of a past incident or of an unbearable present for the pseudologue.

About 30% of daydreaming pathological liars have brain dysfunction. For some it may take the form of learning disabilities, ex. dyslexia. Often those with cerebral dysfunction have greater verbal production & lower developed logical, analytical parts of the brain, thus they often fail to control verbal output.

4.2

Habitual Liar

Habitual pathological lying is, as the name suggest, habitual. Habitual liar lies so frequently, that it becomes a habit, as a result, he/she puts very little effort in giving a thought about what the output is going to be, nor does he/she care much to process whether it’s a lie or not, it’s simply a reflex & very often can be completely unnecessary or even opposite to his/her own needs. If he/she stops & thinks about it, he/she knows clearly it’s a lie.

Habitual liars lie for a variety of reasons, which include, but are not limited to:

  • Take advantage of the situation or misguide a rival
  • Avoid confrontation or punishment
  • Cover up lack of knowledge
  • Cover up embarrassment
  • To entertain oneself or others
  • Reinforce self-esteem, because of failing own expectation
  • Receive unearned praise or avoid disappointment or disproval
  • For no reason whatsoever

Habitual liars gives very few if any psychical or vocal signs of lying, due to the effortless nature of lying. That said, since he/she gives a very little thought to his/her lies, they are usually inconsistent & obvious.

Fear is a major contributor in developing habitual lying in a child & further advancement into adulthood, more so in conditions when the child finds truth telling results in more frequent or more severe punishment. Lack of appreciating and likelihood of unwanted consequences of telling the truth may result in frequent opting out for lying, which often involves less punishment & therefore becomes more desirable.

4.3

Impulsive Pathological Liar – Impulse Control Disorders & Lying

Impulsive pathological liar lies due to impulse control problem, he/she lies to fulfill his/her present (in the moment) needs, without thinking of future negative effects that can be caused because of the lie. Impulsive pathological liar generally suffers from impulse control disorders, such as kleptomania, pathological gambling, compulsive shopping etc. Those suffering from impulse control disorders fail to learn from past negative experiences, frequently suffer from depression, likely to have history of substance abuse in family or have substance abuse problems themselves, likely to have deficiency in brain serotonin. Increase in brain serotonin may have positive effect in decreasing impulsiveness, such medication may have positive effects, however there hasn’t been clinical research performed to confirm or deny this theory.

4.4

Substance Abuse Associated Pathological Liar

Self-Deception is an undeniable part of addictive process. People abuse alcohol or other drugs constantly lie to themselves & others to avoid embarrassment, conflict, as well as to obtain the substance. Getting off substance requires learning to distance oneself from the deceit, therefore learning to be truthful is generally a part of any Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous program.

5.

Signs of Lying

Human detection of deceit can be summarized by the following seven signs.

7 Signs of Lying

  • Disguised smiling
  • Lack of head movement
  • Increased rate of self-adapters (eg., movements such playing with an object in hands, scratching one’s head etc.)
  • Increased/Heightened pitch of voice
  • Reduced rate of speech
  • Pause fillers (“uh”, “hm”, “er”)
  • Less corresponding, matching nonverbal behavior from the other communication methods (ex. the movement of hands doesn’t match the substance of the lie that is being told orally)

Reference: (Fiedler, Walka, Zuckerman, Driver, Ford)

 

 

 

Parental Alienation

I could find 8 signs of Parental Alienation on

https://sites.google.com/site/narcissisticparentalalienation/f-the-signs-of-parental-alienation

pretty sad huh? It breaks my heart that a parent would rather remove their child’s rights because they are so angry at their ex. This is a sickening game that kids get stuck in.

8. The parent who alienates the child is actually seducing the child emotionally and in so doing is carrying out considerable ‘emotional abuse’ by carrying out this type of behavior.

19. The alienator will also poison the child against the therapist who may be involved in some form of mediation, unless the therapist supports only the alienator, which of course would be wrong. Hence the therapist is frequently seen as an “enemy” and on the side of the alienated parent because he/she is seeking to provide some contact between the parent who is alienated and the child (Gardner, 2002a, b).

20. It is often not what the alienator says but how it is said by saying nothing positive about the absent parent. Such statements as: “Father/Mother would like to take you out, do you want to go?” is likely to provide an answer which is negative from the child because the child expects the custodial parent to feel that is what is expected of him/her.

23. Female alienators are often angry due to the fact that the alienated individual may have a new relationship and this increases the implacable hostility between herself and her former partner.

24. Some alienators move away from where their ex-partner resides making it difficult for the alienated parent to seek contact and to have regular contact. This should not be permitted by the courts.

25. Sometimes, in extreme cases of alienation and implacable hostility the custodial parent will even change the name of the child to that of the alienator or the new partner of the alienator.

26. Frivolous reasons are often given for not wanting to be with the alienated parent by the child. This includes wanting to be out with his/her friends, watching a television program or having some other excuse for not wishing to be with the absent parent often supported by the alienator.

27. The child who has had a happy history and warm relationship with the now alienated parent before separation or divorce, will frequently fail to remember, or will not be reminded, of pleasant and happy times by the custodial parent. Hence, a child will forget the happy times and consider only those times, mentioned by the alienator, of all the negative experiences of the past, which the child has experienced or remembers again, possibly due to being reminded of this by the custodial parent. Negative experiences are thus reinforced.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic Personality Disorder involves arrogant behavior, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration-all of which must be consistently evident at work and in relationships. People who are narcissistic are frequently described as cocky, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. Narcissists may concentrate on unlikely personal outcomes (e.g., fame) and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. Related Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic. Narcissism is a less extreme version of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissism involves cockiness, manipulativeness, selfishness, power motives, and vanity-a love of mirrors. Related personality traits include: Psychopathy, Machiavellianism.

Narcissists tend to have high self-esteem. However, narcissism is not the same thing as self-esteem; people who have high self-esteem are often humble, whereas narcissists rarely are. It was once thought that narcissists have high self-esteem on the surface, but deep down they are insecure. However, the latest evidence indicates that narcissists are actually secure or grandiose at both levels. Onlookers may infer that insecurity is there because narcissists tend to be defensive when their self-esteem is threatened (e.g., being ridiculed); narcissists can be aggressive. The sometimes dangerous lifestyle may more generally reflect sensation-seeking or impulsivity (e.g., risky sex, bold financial decisions).

Symptoms

Reacts to criticism with anger, shame or humiliation

Takes advantage of others to reach his or her own goals

Exaggerates own importance

Exaggerates achievements and talents

Entertains unrealistic fantasies about success, power, beauty, intelligence or romance

Has unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment

Requires constant attention and positive reinforcement from others

Is easily jealous

Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy
Has obsessive self-interest

Pursues mainly selfish goals

Also, narcissists are usually physically attractive and charming at first glance, so they may have advantages when they first meet people (making a sale, getting a first date, gaining popularity). However, the long-term outcomes for narcissists are usually quite dismal, especially socially (e.g., long-term relationship difficulties). On average, levels of narcissism drop quite dramatically by age 30.

What is PAS and HAP?

What is PAS and HAP? It is the main ingredient of High Conflict Divorce. It makes the children’s and the parent’s lives miserable. It can include but is not limited to any of the following:

•Impeding the relationship between the children and the other parent

•False allegations of abuse

•Lying about the parent, to the children and anyone else who will listen•Brainwashing and programming the children to hate the other parent

•Hostile Aggressive Parenting, which leads to Parental Alienation

•Parental Alienation leads to the Syndrome in the children.

•It is a form of psychological abuse, which destroys the children’s lives and everyone it touches.

To read more visit http://www.pas-intervention.com/PASI/What_is_PAS_%26_HAP.html

Ready to Give Up

I’m not sure how much more I can take with PA. After things that have gone set me back a bit. I can’t find rooms to rent… I’m so ready to give up this fight. Maybe it’s too big for me to fight.. I totally need time to think long and hard about this. I swear every turn I take is the wrong one. Where is the right way to go? Shutting up seems so tempting when I’m not doing a freakin good thing anyways. *self rant done*